6am: Rise and shine, it’s going to be a massive day at the track. But what to wear? There’s the fashions in the field and a fair chance of being snapped by one of the roving photographers from The Argus. Best to play it Richie Benaud-safe – the cream, the bone, the white, the off-white, the ivory, or the beige shirt – and slacks.

8.15am: Taking a sneaky early look at the racecourse. It looks primed to party. Should be nice and quick for those with four legs, but might be rated heavy for the girls in stilettos late in the day.

8.47am: Crikey, the mercury is already at 20 and Rising Fast to borrow the name of a Melbourne Cup winner. Headed for a sizzling 27 degrees in the shade. Hot enough to fry an

Better sort a hat.

And stay well hydrated.

But not too lubricated

9.16am: Grab a copy of today’s Argus, with its absolutely marvellous wraparound including the fields for today’s eight race card. In the Big One I like the sound of No.1 Single Spirit as that’s how I might kick-off celebrations.

9.42am: Quick trip into town to grab some rations from the supermarket. Later on, it will be so quiet you could play a game of cricket in Elbow St without hitting anyone, but right now, it’s busy as I checkout the checkouts (trying saying that at 4 bells this arv).

10.15am: Back to The Argus and a team huddle with the journos on our live Cup coverage. Sports reporter Big Cal is looking toey – it’s his first crack at covering a race meeting and he hasn’t been quite the same since we explained what a gelding was. Lachie and Janine look all business while Geordie – who will be covering the fashions – is resplendent in a blue dress (guess that’s why I didn’t get the style gig).

10.30am: In the cars and on the roll to the course. There’s already a number of people at the track even though the first doesn’t jump until 1pm.

11.18am: Scoped the course in search of the good oil. Spoke with a man who knows a man who’s sister overheard stable chatter that Cash Spinner is the tip in the Big One. Keep that on the low-low.

11.48am: A building crowd on hand. It’s nose bag time. Prawns for some, caviar for others. I’m a man of the people

12.43pm: Not long now till they get serious, with the first to hit the go button at 1.10. What’s the pick?

12.48pm: The music has me in the mood … It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.

1.24pm: Had a feeling this little gem would bag the first. Lovely work Yulong Baohu by a flared nostril at the post.

1.52pm: K Cup crowd has gone from supersized to heaving – not literally – though by the chorus of popping corks, that may come.

1.57pm: Queue those fabulously clothed. The Fashions in the Field primped to parade.

and the boys were dapper

2.20pm: Rumour has it a record number of fellas in the fashions. And there were plenty of beards on show, after hours of manscaping.

2.58pm: Yarning with the blokes on the gate. They are not sure how many, but “gotta be a least a couple of thousand in there”.

3.21pm: Only about an hour and a half till the Big Un now. Run at me Kempsey Cup.

3.42pm: Sitting next to the Akubra marquee. Why do they need a tent as they all have the finest hats.

3.51pm: Lovely afternoon breeze making some of the corporate tents look like they have got the wobbly boot on.

4.24pm: The spell clearly did the trick for Like My Brother who got the chocolates in the race before Da Cup.

5.03pm: And it’s Cash Spinner in the 2016 Kempsey Cup. Payday for some, and if not there’s always the ‘get out’ race on the last of the day.

5.42pm: Done and dusted for 2016, folks. Now get us all out of here, we are celebrities. Everyone else has the same idea – logjam in the carpark. Jeeves, switch to ramming speed.